Some times its easy to forget.

With all the stuff that has happened and felt over the past 3 and a bit years, it is easy to forget the little things.

Especially when I have been caught up in my emotions, and trying to give a little structure to something I can barely understand.

But I was just looking through my old Myspace account (anyone remember that drop in the ocean Myspace?) and looking through my myspace emails as I was looking for an address.

Myspace…….ha, back in the day!!

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So, I had a lot of time to think about everything.  I was being logical and thoughtful.  I was calm.  I had an awesome holiday.  I was not sad.  A little disappointed.   I was not angry or in a heighten state, but I was a lot clearer about where my head was.

The Greatest Love Story Ever Told?  Well, certainly MY greatest love story was over.   I hated it and I knew it.  It was time to end it.

It was over.

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Well……….this thing is sure dragging itself out right?

My mind flits on a daily basis about how I have given up/am giving up faith on her, and then seeing how she has treated me over the past year and a half, well the whole 3 years in fact.

When Kelli is around and in my life, even just in contact, like on the phone, she gives me a lot more focus, drive and reason for doing even the most mundane tasks.  Without her, I just feel a bit lost.  Like why am I doing anything at all.  I know I am doing it all for me, but beyond that……what are my goals?

In my heart, when I was in the states, and I was with her, it felt like…………..it felt perfect.  Like I had found the glove for my hand, the shoe for my foot.  Everything all made sense at that point.  I knew I was to be with her.

Am I still kidding myself?  I mean really?

*seriously, leave comments………….I am open to opinions, answers and objections.*

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I am slightly behind with updating this.  I write this now in October, but I am writing about events 6 or 7 months ago, and a lot has happened since then (or not depending on how you look at it).  Anyway, back to the story.

Left alone with my thoughts

I really find myself lost at the moment.  I don’t know how much strength I have.  This whole thing with Kelli has been a huge learning experience for me.  I don’t know if I have it in me to carry on.  I feel like I am walking out to sea against the waves.

But its not life that is the waves trying to knock me off my feet.  It’s Kelli.

Since the last message in March, she made it clear that she did not want to “do this” any more, whatever “THIS” was.  Despite telling me she had “decided” to be with me back in October, and that was her taking 6 weeks out to think about it all back then.

Despite not being there, every time she disappears, for whatever reason, its like slapping me in the face.   I can understand a week, a few weeks, but nearly 2 months at a time.  And its happened repeatedly since we first met on-line nearly 3 years ago.  So for 3 years, she has just kept slapped me in the face.

I’m out of answers.  Out of suggestions.  Out of options.

And now it appears, out of her life.  Again.

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Part 13…..is it unlucky?  Is it lucky?  Is anyone superstitious any more?

Sometimes this is quite hard for me.  There are days when I question the decisions and rational of this ‘relationship’.  Am I ever content?  Will I ever be?  Sometimes it is easy to get lost and fall back on things, old thoughts and ideals, rather than stick with an untested method.  Would we have these problems if we were together.   As much as I love how she makes me feel, I still run the logical by myself every now and again.  As this is an ongoing story, I am still unsure of its direction and outcome.  The confidence that I had in writing this blog nearly a year ago, is not so strong and has been battered by the elements on a daily basis.

I could be writing this story for a complete crock of shit, and it could all just end up a failed romance.  Half a story.  A book without an ending.

That would suck.

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2009 and feeling fine?

Well it all got off to a flying start, but was more like a continuation of what had already been happening since October 2008.  With Kelli now having almost daily access at work to a computer,  I could at least leave her messages and she would get them in a day or 2. There was no more passing on of messages, no more not knowing where she was.  It seems a bit more coherent.  It had generally been good since her return in October.  Both of our Christmases had been somewhat eventful with families.

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To be honest, I now looked at every interaction with her like it was to be my last, which saddened me, but I didn’t give a shit any more, but really I did.  She was hot and cold.  And I just found it all a bit difficult to deal with seeing as I was right in the middle of it. Was I too close to the tree, to see the forest?

No, old muggins here was up the tree, in his tree house, wandering why he was getting wet.

So were things back to normal?  Normal?  I was in a long distance relationship with a girl in America, that I had not seen in nearly a year, that I rarely got to speak to.

It’s almost funny.

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