I have not written on here in a long time.   I had to re-read the last few entries to see where I was with things.

So a few people have asked me about Kelli.   Occassionally, questions about her make themselves known, especially when I have not seen someone for a long time, and the last time I DID see them, all I talked about was her.

Not that anything is supposed to be ‘happening’ or ‘going anywhere’, but I guess that is pretty much the current summary of it all.

Kelli seems to be doing okay in her life.   She tells me that she is still in Richmond, Virginia and that she is doing okay.   She is working at an ice-cream kiosk.  She is still living with her dad and stepmum.   She just quit ONE of her jobs at the hotel, because she was not happy, and she is due to start the replacement job at a sports store anytime soon.

Sometimes she is in daily contact on MSN and on Facebook, but occassionally she will ‘go off again’ for a while.

I guess in that respect, we have not really moved on at all.

She has been doing that for nearlt 4 yrs.

She says that she has to be happy with her in her own life before we can come together.   We have touched on what happened whilst she was out in Oklahoma, and she says that she will never be able to apologise enough.

There as been a little tear or 2, but I know that I dont hurt anymore.  I miss the feelings I have, but I’m sad I will not have those feelings back.

It hard to be in love with someone, when they are not around.   All I have is a memory of what love felt like, and I feel lucky enought to have even felt that.  After so many years of feeling nothing for no-one.

I wonder sometimes if Kelli and I hadn’t met at the end of 2007, whether we would have even met at all   Would she have ever met me?

I wonder if I had not met Kelli, would I have met someone else?

There is a lot of reflection going on in my life.   And its hard sometimes to see everything so clearly.

I was SOOOO convinced when I started writing this blog that Kelli and I would quickly get together.  And its not like I have not tried.

That was just over 2 yrs ago since we were last together.

We’ve not had a phone call in 11th months.

I’ve not seen a new picture of her in ages.

So now?

As she told me……”don’t put all your hopes on me terry” on MSN once.

So I have to move on.   I figure if anything becomes of this, I can figure it all out again then, but right now, nothing seems to be happening, and I cannot make anything happen.   Certainly not on my own.

This whole thing has drained me and I sometimes wander if I will ever love another woman.

Kelli, if you read this.  I want only great things for you.  It would have been great if it had worked out, but it was obviously not meant to be.

Take care kiddo.

Okay, so I have had a few people ask me on this site, on email, and in person, why I could just not go over to America to be with Kelli to see if it would work.

As for as I am aware, I am only entitled to a holiday visa, which entitles me to a 3 month stay in the USA.   The reasons that I cannot do this are easy.

• Family
• Friends
• Job
• Bills
• Life

Now I am not saying that I wouldnt give those things up, just that a little planning might be necessary first.   I couldn’t just go over there and not come back, for example.

I am not too sure how knowledgable people are when it comes to requirements for moving to the USA, so I thought I would detail everything.   There are only a certain number of ways that a foriegner is allowed to reside in the USA.

These are all my options that I am aware of.

Why Dont You Just Move There?

1. Sponsorship Visa. Being sponsored by an american company to work there.  This is basically saying that the employing company are going to be reponsible for me and I am not going there to claim off the state for example.  You normally have to be some kind of specialist in a required field of work.  They wont do it for McDonalds employees for example.  Doctors, scientists, specialist teachers, IT brains etc.I am only a web designer.   They have them 10 a penny in USA.I also do not have a BA Hons, only an associates degree.   And I believe they do not hire over there, unless you have a BA Hons?
2. Student Visa.   This would be for me to study in the USA.  This a lot more expensive than studying over here in the UK.  For which I would also have to save.  I am not sure this is a route I would like to go down as I have already spent 5 yrs in further education.   I also do not work in the field that I studied in.   And further to that, you cannot work a full time position and study.   So I would not necessarily be able to afford to live there if I was to study there.   There may be a way that I could get an internship, but I have looked into that and it does not seem all that plausable either.
3. Family Visa. If I was a direct line descendant from an american or I had immediate family who were american, I could move there on a relations visa.  Unfortunately, I only have distant cousins, and its not a strong enough link.
4. Investment Visa. If I have $100,000, I can get over there on the premise that I am using the money to start/run an enterprise where I would be employing a minimum of 5 americans.   I dont have that kind of money.  I do intend to start my own company, but at the moment, its more an idea on paper, than an actual practicality.
5. Green Card Lottery Visa. Unfortunately I do not qualify for this.  Residents of the United Kingdom are not allowed to participate in this.   Both of my parents were born in the UK and they both have english/british passports.I know.   It sucks!!
6. Spouse Visa. Thats right.   Marriage!!Marriage…….this was the route I was going to go down with Kelli.  There is a lot of paper work involved (that I would have to pay for all of, as Kelli was broke at the time) and Kelli would have had to come to the UK, at least to visit, to show the marriage in authentic terms, and we know what happened there.  Kelli would kinda have to keep on top of the paperwork whilst the whole things was going ahead…….and give everything that happened with her not being in constant contact (like you should be), her behaviour was unreliable.  Its an important thing, legal this and legal that.   With Kelli disappearing for weeks and months on end, and with a regular means of contact, it would prove to be too much effort to make sure that she was helping things move smoothly along.

So that is it folks

That is why I cannot move to the USA to be with Kelli.    Kelli would have to want to be with me to help me get there to be with her.

If there are any visa people over there that know of something that I have overlooked, then please feel free to contact me, but you can tell that I have done my homework.

I hope that clarifies any questions for people that were wandering why I couldnt just pop over there.

I’ll have another post soon.   Not a lot has happened really.

With all the stuff that has happened and felt over the past 3 and a bit years, it is easy to forget the little things.

Especially when I have been caught up in my emotions, and trying to give a little structure to something I can barely understand.

But I was just looking through my old Myspace account (anyone remember that drop in the ocean Myspace?) and looking through my myspace emails as I was looking for an address.

Myspace…….ha, back in the day!!

Any way, I just stumbled across Kelli’s deleted myspace account, but it still has all of her messages that she has sent me in my inbox.  I got this for my birthday about 15 months ago.  Made me smile that she had made the effort with this.

There is a man across the sea
He is always trying to get to me
There will be a time
Of celebration and wine

Getting together and making things right
With bad things behind us and out of sight
He’ll play his guitar some
Singing songs with a little hum

Until death do us part
You will always have my heart
Making me a proud and happy wife
I will always love having you in my life

Happy Birthday I love you

Kelli

*my god… could i be any cheesier*

I like to think that I am pretty good at poetry. I have been freelancing my poetry for a few years now, so I like to think I am good. (others may beg to differ).  But I really like that she did this. Made me smile. The playfulness and fun in this, is pure and sincere.

So where are we now?

So if there is anymore to it, it will be as new to you as it is to me.

After the hectic and emotional summer, and all of the heated emails, things are simple at the moment.  Kelli has been in regular contact since July.   Since opening up and saying what I felt, rather than what I thought she wanted to hear, I have let all my feelings that were bottled up out.   I am no longer angry or frustrated with her.   If I hear from her, AWESOME.  If I dont, oh well.

I have invested so much energy and emotion trying to have a degree of control on a situation that floats in the wind.

The truth of the matter is this.   I prayed to meet Kelli long before I ever met her,  maybe even years before.  I have never been as happy with another woman as I have with Kelli.  The 12 days I spent with her, surpass everyone else in a heartbeat.  All of them together.  Having feelings gives meaning and perspective to everything before and after meeting her.  It is not a ‘traditional’ relationship, but I think maybe part of me likes the fact it is not conventional.

As it stands at the moment, every time I get an email from her, I am grateful I am still in her heart.  More importantly, I am really happy for her that she is happy and she has meaning in her life.   Things SEEM to be going well for her.  I guess I am almost proud of her.   She may have dug her own hole and wallowed in it a bit, but she also said that she was not putting up with that shit, and she is getting/ has gotten herself out of it.  Some people do not.

Sure, I’d love to see her again.  I’d love us to webcam again.  I’d love to talk on the phone.

Right now, I am just glad she is happy.

The Greatest Love Story Ever Told?  Well, certainly MY greatest love story was over.   I hated it and I knew it.  It was time to end it.

It was over.

So I told Kelli in an email.  I explained that I couldnt not make anything any easier for her, but I was still hard up, and I wished her well and I hope that she finds what she is looking for, but it was clear that it was not me.

I got a reply back a few days later explaining why she did not meet me, but I bit my lip. It was a large response, but I was disappointed I think.   I knew the trip would not have been like the Oklahoma extravaganza, but it would have been nice to at least meet and see each other.   Even for a few hours.  Even as friends.   But I read it, and then went out with friends.

I think even though I was calm, part of me was quite angry.  And I had no way of releasing that anger and hurt and disappointment.

I know about 6 other friends that had dated american women, and not one of them had a scenario like this.   So why was mine different?  Why was I having all this grief and why were all their relationships working out.  Because it was not a 2 way effort.   I was doing all the calling, all the emailling, all the planning………..and getting nothing back.   The truth of the matter was, I was more in love with the memory of Kelli and being with her, than the current reality.   And it had not been a steady relationship, since she has left Michigan the first time.

There needs to be fuel to constantly feed the fires of love, and there was none.    That night, I sat opposite some of best friends that I have know a long time, people that had seen me go through all of this on a day to day basis, and drank and listened to them voice their opinions about Kelli.  For several hours.  And I got very drunk.  After 2 yrs of biting their tongues, they all told me what I already knew, but did not want to accept.

And when I got home, I miraculously typed the biggest email I have every written her.   Seeing how drunk I was, that was a miracle.   Looking back on it, I am surprised the grammer was so well, but I was drunk and it all came pouring out.  I wanted her to know how I felt, without me being polite about it all.   I typed and typed.  And then hit send.  And went to bed.

What have I done?

The next day, nursing a sore head, at some point, I got on to my email.  In in my sent box, I had sent Kelli a huge email.  With a  glass of water, I re-read everything, and I was split.   I had said quite a lot, and I think I had been quite hurtful.   Now I am not one of these eye for an eye people, but I had not held back.   It was a angry email, and even though I was dissapointed with what had happened since Kelli and I had last seen each other, it was not an accurate portrayal of how I felt.    Not only in this instance, but in life, when I am worked up, I tend to not think thing through.   I’ll shout before I think of what I am saying, and then I regret it when i have had time to reflect.  Especially when hurt and angry.   That’ll be my moon in Aries.

Part of me regretted saying it, because it was not a true reflection of where my head was, but I was also glad that I had let her know what the whole thing had done to me.   It felt better to have let her know, but I had gone about it the wrong way

But she sent me an email after a few days saying;

” That was the most hateful, hurtful letter I have ever recieved.
Im sorry.
and,
Good-bye

I dont want to hurt you.  I never wanted to hurt you.

I will always love you, but I think you said everything you could have.

This will be the last email I send you.

Always
Kelli ”

What had I done.

So……I went for a walk, and I thought about what I had wanted to say for a long time, but I had always watched my tongue.  I thought about it for a few days.

Then I re-worded my epic email to be more of a true reflection of what I thought and felt.   And I sent that instead.

I got an email back from Kelli about a week later.

Seeing as her blog is not up, and maybe never will be, I have posted her response here.   I know that she does not like everyone knowing everything, but I think reading this, it make make more sense to everyone that has been following this story.

Terry

I know that I told you that I would not write back to you but after reading this last letter from you, how could I not? I even told myself that if you wrote to me that I would not even open the letter, I would just delete it. I couldn’t bring myself to do it. I didn’t read it until just today. I knew it was there for a couple of days, but I was still very much hurt from the other very large email that you sent to me that was completely horrible.

I don’t know how to explain what has been going on with me. I don’t think I can even produce the words to tell you how I feel about anything actually. But while I write you this letter I am hoping that this will shine a little light for you, maybe some things will come out.

I am not willing to discuss how I felt with the last letter. I was hurt, upset, angry, and I also felt bad because some of what you wrote was true. But most of all I was truly hurt on HOW you talked to me and HOW you displayed the way you felt about everything. I understand that you were also hurt and that you were also angry. Why did you have to say some of the things that you said to me? It was just wrong, and you were mean and hateful.

That’s the end of that. I’m not talking about it.

Like you said, the response that I received from you was not at all what I was expecting. I’m not sure of what I was thinking I would get, but that was not it. It definitely made me consider talking to you at all, ever again. I’m responding now to this letter because of ONLY a few reasons.

1. I love you.
2. It felt wrong not to.
3. I can’t keep from you, no matter what you say to me.

I only said that everything had been said between us because I didn’t think it was humanly possible for you to say anything more to me after that letter. You can not tell me that letter was not a “true reflection” of where your head was at. Terry, I may be “fucked in the head” as you called me, but I am not stupid! You said what you felt and what you thought was true, as you knew it at that moment, and just because you feel now that it may have been a bit harsh, does not make it less true for you, or me. The words still sting and still hurt. I do understand that you may have been in an emotional state because of listening to a lot of things that your friends have been saying to you.

Being angry with me and wanting to express to me how you feel is one thing, but how you did it was completely uncalled for! Knowing, that I also deserved a lot of the things that you said to me because what you have had to deal with because of me is part reason that I am also writing back to you, as I know I put this all on my own shoulders. To be honest, I deserve every hateful, horrible word you can say to me.

You gave me such a picture of what you thought of me that I actually thought I could hate you. Trying to hate you was not an option. I can’t make myself even think bad of you. I realized how you really felt about the situation.

As I know that you love me, as I know that you would love for something to work so that we can become us, at this moment in time, I don’t think that I want the same. I have seen a side of you that I am not happy about and there is a very large part of me that I need to get “fixed”, before I can be with anyone.

As you put it you wanted me to “take on-bored, going forward with my life” the things that you had said to me. I did, and I am. Just maybe not the way you would have wanted me to. I have decided that doing the things that I need to do and having you wait on me is not fair. As I have said a million times over again!  Taking some time to figure myself out and try to be who I really am inside is something that I want. Something that I am sorry you can’t be apart of.

I am not trying to be mean. I am trying to keep out of my head the other letter and how it made me feel. I am trying to also let you know how I feel and what is going on in my head, without sounding bitter and angry about how you had made me feel… so I am going to continue to tell you that I am sorry through out this whole email.

You are very much correct about my trying to keep to myself. I have not felt like talking or being around anyone. I’ve wanted to discover what it is that I want out of life and who I am and where I want to be at. As much as I love you and as much as I want to be with you, I also need to know who I am, and somewhere along the line I have lost sight of myself. I’m not good with words and I am not good at explaining how I feel. I am sorry if that is hard for you to accept and understand. I have given you plenty of opportunities to back out and to walk away from me.

I have gone over the reasons of moving to Oklahoma with you many a times and I also told you that the reason that I went there did not work out. Then I was left with the crap end of the deal. It was not that I didn’t want to be with you, it was that I was trying to get things sorted for myself. I was working very hard. I was trying to make things happen for myself. Being so unstable had taken a hard knock on my mental stability and I am very depressed because of it.

Confusing you seems to be what I am good at. Who would have know I was so proficient in confusion. When we were talking in October to January I was trying to be who I was, I was trying to be who you needed me to be, I was trying to force my old self in again. I think when I was doing that it made me feel worse because on one hand I didn’t want to tell you that I was not ready and on the other I was telling you that I was. I want you. I wanted you. It’s always been my goal. But I was not ready. I’m still not ready.

The idea of telling you I am not ready comes with the idea of you telling me good bye. Losing you is something I don’t want either. But there is not a choice. I have to be honest with you. And the out come is either I have you or I don’t.

I was scared and excited about your being in DC. I was also wondering if I was ready or not to see you with all the things going on with my emotions and all the thoughts running through. I sent you an email saying that I didn’t want to come to DC because I have changed so much in the last year; I was terrified that you may not find me attractive any more. As ridiculous as you may think that sounds, it is how I felt.

I was in Richmond, VA when you got back to DC from San Diego. I regret not facing my fears, of what you may have or may not have thought about me. I should have let you make that decision for your self rather than not letting you have a choice. It was not fair to you or to me for that matter. I made a bad decision by doing that.

Taking a the job was something that I needed to do. Starting when they asked me to start was something that separated me from the other people that were applying because they couldn’t start right away. I had a leg up and I was not going to let that chance get away. Considering how hard it is to find a job, saying not yet was not an option.

I am really sorry that I hurt you, again. I understand that you were angry and I understand that you had a lot to say to me. I sent you the photo because I thought you would like to have it. I sent it because I thought through everything you deserved to be able to see me even if it were only through a photo on the computer. I guess it was an excuse to not see you. I was so scared. I don’t even really know why.

MY BEHAVIOUR TOWARDS YOU

The behavior I have displayed towards you has been horrible to say the least. I have not nor was I seeing anyone behind your back. I do know that it would be easy for me to say that yes I was I know that saying yes I was would also make better sense to you that just saying I just was un-functional within myself to be with anyone. As much I would have liked to be with some one that I could hold, kiss, talk, and just have general companionship with —- I was not ready for that. I can not be with some one if I am not happy with myself!! Right now I don’t know myself, how could anyone else.

Understandably, it would be incredibly easy for me to say “Terry, I don’t want to be with you because your in another country and I want a relationship now not in 6months from now”. That’s not how I feel and that’s not want I want. You are something special, you are amazing! You give my heart a skip when I hear your voice or when you write a poem. You send butterflies to my stomach when you glanced in my direction. Every time I heard you tell me that you loved me, I got goose bumps and I glowed. You were more than special to me. You were what made me want to try to find myself again.

When I went back to Oklahoma, I made myself think it was for us. But it was for me. I was being selfish and I wanted to do it my way, not how everyone thought I should be doing it. I knew I made a mistake the minute I got there and it was too late to take it back. I was then stuck. So I did the best I could with the decision that I made.

I had put myself in a shitty spot with making the wrong decisions and I didn’t want to hear an I told you so. I wanted to fix my problem and be hard headed and complicated and stupid. I sent you crappy little emails because I wanted you to know you were on my mind, that I was thinking of you, but I didn’t want you to know how horrible I was doing or how bad I felt.

When I said that I was going to get a phone, but then never did, I would think to myself, that you were going to be angry, that I knew I would have to explain that my money was all tied up with bills. I wanted to talk to you and tell you that my love was strong and that we would come through this all in the end on the top! I just always felt like the end was so far away, like it would never get here.

There was NEVER a moment that I thought writing you an email was difficult. What was difficult for me was not telling you the whole truth about how horrible things were turning out. Its not that I wanted to be “alone” or “without” you, it was about my situation not being fair to you. Where you see me saying that not fair, I really saw it the other way around.

You were always wonderful, you were always there, and you were always in my heart and in my thoughts.

The myspace and the facebook thing, it had nothing to do with you, i didnt want them, I have no idea that robin had got on my facebook account, I had deleted it, and next thing I knew you were telling me that I was moved and I was with a boyfriend. I DONT HAVE A BOYFRIEND! All I had was you, and thats complicated as it is.

I am sorry about the letter that kyle had written to me, I am sorry that I had kept it. I have always been a bit of a pack rat, and I always keep letters. I have letters from both friends and old boyfriends from 15yrs ago. I was not keeping it because I felt the same as kyle did for me. I was keeping it because I felt horrible for the way that he felt, I felt that by throwing it away I was further stepping on his heart. As, I am not a mean or hatful person, it felt wrong to do that.

I am sorry for putting it in my pocket, and for keeping it.

Living with kyle at the time that I was, was convience, we both needed the extra help. I was not sleeping with him or anyone else for that matter. He did NOT have my love. YOU DID!!

I told Gina that I loved kyle, but I was IN LOVE with you! I still love Chris to a certain degree. You can hold that against me as well if you like.

YOUR ATTITUDE TOWARDS ME.

There were a few emails that were very hurtful, and just mean. But I knew I deserved every word that you had to say to me.You were unhappy with me and you had every right to express how you felt about every situation that came up.

I loved you for everything. The Trip. The Love. The Smiles. The understanding. The naked pictures… twice. =) The music I felt in my heart was about you, it was because of you, you did that to me! You made me feel amazing. YOU were wonderful.

I still see you as my other half, and I always will. There is not another person on this planet that could ever make me feel the way you made me feel. Even if we dont end up together, I love you.

90% of the time, I have found the truth in what you tell me.. and again… your right, I have to find what I am looking for if I am ever going to be happy, I need to do a lot of soul searching!

ME

Im working on the meditation… its hard, my mind wonders. I like the way I feel when I have a good meditation session. I sit (in a closet) with a candle (a smelly one–good smell though) and I sit and I consentrate and I try my best to focus. I stopped doing yoga for a bit, but I started it up again about a week ago, and I am feeling more energized. I want to know who I am again. I am trying very hard to do that. I want to keep you posted with how I am doing and what I come to find about myself. I want your friendship right now, and if when I am ready, and if your still around and you want to “START OVER” with me. I would love for that to happen.

US?

I can only hope that one day I pull my head out of my ass and see what I really want and need in this life, that I can find a way back to you again. We are great together. Your a wonderful and caring man. You deserve everything that someone can give you, I would love to be that person someday.

Hopefully it will be just as we wanted from the start if we ever get to that point again.

I would love to tell you that I want to be with you .. but can we just wait… but that is not fair for you or for anyother person…. how is that fair for you???

but

Going Forwards seems… not right. Im sorry if this is a little confusing, Im confused to. I am trying to explain, its just hard.

I may send you a number to call me on, but Im not sure that I really want to talk to you yet. I am still very hurt over the things that you said in the letter before. Im not angry anymore, just hurt. Im not ready to talk yet.

You say that your leaving the door open for me, I hope to atlease find the courage to come to it and knock and I pray that you will open it for me.

Love,

Kelli

Once the calm has settled…

And so I write this, and things are up to date.   4 months since kelli’s above email in green.

Kelli never sent me her number.  Maybe she will, maybe she wont.

We still dont web cam.   Maybe we will, maybe we wont.

Its funny in a way, but since the summer, I no longer feel angry or upset.

Everyone talks to me about her in a past tense, and I guess that saddens me a bit.

About me personally, I am not angry anymore and I realise that I cannot control her or the situation.  I am not a controlling person.  I think I just wanted to help the situation and take the initiative.   Infact, since writing that email to Kelli in July, I realise I am not really bothered about it anymore.   I wrote Kelli an email on the 2 yrs anniversary of us meeting each other.

This may or may not be the end of this story, but I have actually caught up with the story, so as I type this today, this is the best of what I know.   So I guess its the end in the fact that from this point forward in the story, I dont actually know what is going to happen.

If anything at all.

To all reading this, I thank Kelli for coming into my life, because before meeting her I did not know what love was.   And if it does not work out, I am at least greatful for her showing me that.

The last entry?

My mind flits on a daily basis about how I have given up/am giving up faith on her, and then seeing how she has treated me over the past year and a half, well the whole 3 years in fact.

When Kelli is around and in my life, even just in contact, like on the phone, she gives me a lot more focus, drive and reason for doing even the most mundane tasks.  Without her, I just feel a bit lost.  Like why am I doing anything at all.  I know I am doing it all for me, but beyond that……what are my goals?

In my heart, when I was in the states, and I was with her, it felt like…………..it felt perfect.  Like I had found the glove for my hand, the shoe for my foot.  Everything all made sense at that point.  I knew I was to be with her.

Am I still kidding myself?  I mean really?

*seriously, leave comments………….I am open to opinions, answers and objections.*

I had a conversation with one of my best mates who now lives in Japan.  He worked at The Tumbledown Dick with me, and I had known him for years.  He knew all about the long distance thing.  He was to-ing and fro-ing between the UK and Japan for years before marrying his wife and relocating there, with the clear difference being they spoke all the time and they also went to visit each other.

We were talking on Skype about this that and the other, but ultimately, we got onto the Kelli subject.  I had last spoken to him a long time ago, and I had informed him then about the Kelli saga when she was supposedly with Kyle , probably about a year on.
I was almost in tears on webcam after hearing it from the horses mouth (so to speak).  But it really helped to talk to him. He didnt hold back, but he was really tactful.  He said you have to go over there and get an answer face to face.  No more excuses, as my life was hanging on her every word.

My Pending Trip

As mentioned back in January ’09, I had mentioned to Kelli that I was going to California in the summer as I had been invited to a wedding in San Diego.  Well, WE had been invited.  It was clear that she was not going to go, but I booked my ticket anyway.  But after having the conversation with my mate Brendan in Japan, I added a few days on the east coast as well, just so I could see Kelli.  I know it was not planned, but I figured if there was a chance, then at least I would be on the right side of the country. It would depend if I could get any information out of her at all.

I mean, we’re not scheduled to meet.  But she said she wanted to see me in summer.   And do I have to grab the situation by the horns?  Well who knows.   I did have this idea of going to find her in Virginia, but I just had no idea.   And I did not have the money this time.   I also did not have a vague clue where she was.  I wish I did, but I did not.

I was trying to pin Kelli down to dates and times, but I could not get anything definate out of her.   Her mind flitted between guilt of how she has behaved with me and so backed away from meeting me, and then to emails of hope and joy that I was coming there and how she was filled with nervous excitement.

I pleaded with her to meet with me so we could just talk really about anything.   One day I would get “I am looking forward to it, but I might not be able to do it” and then the next day I would get “I cant do it, I’m done, I’m through etc etc”

The first I had seen a picture of her in a year

I did get this picture though.  I just stared at it.  I couldn’t take my eyes off her.  It was the first picture I had seen of her in 11 months.  11 months.  I wanted to see her so badly.

Her emails were full of her lacking in confidence in herself.  And my words were not enough to pick her up, maybe only enough to make her feel temoprarily better about herself.

Ah, the whole thing was frustrating.

My Trip

Well, it was my first trip to DC/Maryland I thoroughly enjoyed it.  My hosts Caroline and Gene were awesome and I met an old friend from San Diego that now lived in Philladelphia.   I wandered about Silver Spring, MD and DC for 4 days and did my thing.  It was cool, and it was nice to see a different side to the states………..there was greenery.  Ha ha.

I received an email from Kelli from saying she aiming to see me when I returned from San Diego.

She was cutting it fine.

San Diego, was awesome.   I had my first 4th of July out there.   It was one huge party on the beach.   I met so many more people this year, to add to my list of american friends.   It was the 4th, so there was a lot of drinking.   I went skydiving on my birthday.  That was scary, but fucking awesome as well.  I have it on video somewhere.   It was just a fun trip.   The wedding was amazing and it was cool to see everyone that I had ever met in San Diego in one place at the same time.   The wedding progressed to the bar and the rest is history.   Everyone asked about Kelli.   This was the first time I had been there since I had introduced Kelli to everyone there, almost 20 months ago.   20 months!! fuck!!.

I eventually left and went back to Maryland for a few days.   But it was to no avail.

I received nothing from Kelli.

And I flew back to the UK.

Left alone with my thoughts

I really find myself lost at the moment.  I don’t know how much strength I have.  This whole thing with Kelli has been a huge learning experience for me.  I don’t know if I have it in me to carry on.  I feel like I am walking out to sea against the waves.

But its not life that is the waves trying to knock me off my feet.  It’s Kelli.

Since the last message in March, she made it clear that she did not want to “do this” any more, whatever “THIS” was.  Despite telling me she had “decided” to be with me back in October, and that was her taking 6 weeks out to think about it all back then.

Despite not being there, every time she disappears, for whatever reason, its like slapping me in the face.   I can understand a week, a few weeks, but nearly 2 months at a time.  And its happened repeatedly since we first met on-line nearly 3 years ago.  So for 3 years, she has just kept slapped me in the face.

I’m out of answers.  Out of suggestions.  Out of options.

And now it appears, out of her life.  Again.

I find myself analysing old emails, re-reading old msn conversations, trying to work out hidden meanings, see beyond just simple words and try to understand if I have upset her, done something wrong.

I pray for her to find peace within herself, I pray for her to find enlightenment.  I pray to know how this thing is going  to turn out.

Everyday I seek peace of mind, to slow and calm my thoughts.  These thoughts constantly seek truth and for things to make sense.  I guess if I am honest, that Kelli leaves me wanting to ask more questions, because so far, I have not been satisfied with the answers.

I have sent her emails BEGGING her to get in contact.  I have left my address, mobile  and home numbers.  She never calls.  I would call her.  I get 200 free minutes a month to call anywhere in the world.  I got these so we could speak to each other.  But I have no number for her.

She has said on numerous occasions that she will get a phone, but still I have no way of getting a hold of her.  Its either not important enough to her to have contact with me, or who knows.  Don’t people in love want to talk to people that they love?

Everything that I feel for her fades a fraction every day, and I am scared that one day, I will wake up and she will be nothing but a memory.  More than she is already.

Maybe I am trying too hard.  Maybe I should let her bare some of the responsibility.   But I want to be there for her, even when things are shit for her.   Which they must be.  I don’t know what her issues are.  She does not let me in and I feel completely alone.

A weekend of Pirates and Reflection

So at this point in time, it is the 1st May.  I last heard from Kelli on 23rd March telling me she was “cutting out all the shit that didn’t work in her life and that she was sorry.  She cannot do ‘this’ right now”.   Seems pretty final to me.

I’m sure no-one wants to know how I balled my eyes out like a little girl at a party.   No-one wants to know about how sad I am that I am clinging to this with dear life, because it is the only time I have ever felt anything other than a hard-on.

I was due to go on a weekend trip with some friends on a bank holiday weekend.  We had hired a barge boat between 11 of us and we were looking to dress as Pirates the whole weekend.  I had been looking forward to it for ages.

We were due to leave on Friday 1st May.  So you would Adam and Eve it, that I get 2 emails from Kelli the day before I go.

I logged into my email account and I had 2 emails from her.  Both were quite short.

“I know I said I was pulling back.  I know I said I was pulling my life together.  That all still stands.  I just miss you and I think about you everyday.  Everything reminds me of you. I just want you to know I was thinking about you all the time.”

Always yours,
Kelli

and

I was checking my email just now… and i saw something from your sister… tell her hello. and your mom too…

Terry……………………….

I do miss you.

I love you,
Kelli

As always when I read these now, silence engulfs me, and all is quiet in my life whist I take in every word.

WTF?  What did that mean?  What does it mean?  My head started to spin at an alarming rate and I went over to see my mates to clear my head.

I was over at friends the night before the trip and they didn’t pull any punches.  They were very upfront and honest.

They said that I should just go about what I was doing and going to do like I had not heard from her.  They said to just have a good weekend.

The Trip

I decided that when I started writing this blog, I was pretty honest from the start.  So I guess that calls for it from me as well.

I went on a weekend and had a really good time.  We all dressed as Pirates and travelled at snails pace up the canal from Guildford to Weybridge.   There was dressing as pirates, singing at bonfires, fire juggling, laughs, big lunches, and copious amounts of Alcohol.

On my Return

The trip ended and we all returned home.  I eventually logged in to see that Kelli had written twice whilst I had been away on my 2 day trip.

“I suppose I should take the fact that you did not write me back as a sign that you do not want to speak to me.

I would like to tell you that I had no intentions of hurting you.  I still don’t.  I love you with all of my heart.  I am sorry for any and every horrible feeling I have put you through.  You are an amazing man and my best friend, I am sorry for my actions of putting you and everyone else I love and care about on hold.
I’ve never been one to be all mushy gooey and I don’t want to start now.

I find myself wondering around with no thoughts about what I want to happen in my life and that scares the hell out of me that I don’t know.  I’m scared that If I am involved with anyone including you, that I am going to just drag you down with the way that I feel about how my life is going at the moment.  You deserve so much better than a women that does not know up from down or left from right.

I hope that one day you can forgive me and I hope that one day we will meet again when you finally do.

I will love you forever.
I will never stop.
Your in my heart.

Always,
Your Kitten”

I don’t know what to think and feel about anything any more.  I believed she was sent by God for me.  But if that was the case, then why does she keep running away from me?  Why the secrets?  Why the long absences?  I don’t even live there, so I didn’t think I could get any more cut off than I am now.  The second email had come a day after the last one, whilst I was still on the boat trip.

Tell me to fuck off or something.  I know your pissed off at me and with good reason. Do I need to leave you alone. Do I jump off a bridge. Tell me something. I at least told you I was going to go for a bit… get my head straight.  I’m so confused all the time.  I’m scared to death about every decision that I make that I cant even sleep now.  I went to the doctor and he put me on anti depression pills because I cry all the time now and my life is shit, because I DON’T know what I want!! Fuck! I’m crying now.  I’m not trying to make you feel bad. I’m not trying to do anything I guess.

I guess I don’t know what else to say.

I’m so fucked up.

I’m sorry.
I love you.
You wont hear from me again.
Good-bye.

So I read all of this………..and what do I think?   Really?

I have heard it all before from her.  Keeps running away from me, then apologising.   What is she apologising for?  All she is doing is not talking to me for months on end.

If she had FINALLY decided to be with me back in October, and everything was good until October, then why “retreat” again?  I mean seriously………..besides a few emails, how am I even affecting her life?  Her daily choices?  We don’t have a relationship.  We don’t even have an internet relationship.

Backing away from emailing someone seems really, really lame.  And I cannot call her.  No phone.

Part of me wishes that I didn’t over analyse everything, investigate and scrutinise every word, but when words are literally all I have, its hard to maintain the happy and ecstatic carefree feelings that I had for Kelli back in the beginning.

Birthchart

I guess it relates to ‘The Greatest Love Story Ever Told‘ .

Mine and Kelli's Birthchart

As a little extra for those reading this, this is the synastry between mine and Kelli’s birthcharts.  I thought I would post them, so I can open them up for interpretation for people to look at, but also for anyone to write anything that they feel will help me (and maybe US) to understand what is happening between Kelli and I.

Lots of good aspects in there.  My venus, her mars.  Her venus, my sun. My mercury, her sun.  My saturn, her jupiter.  Her DC between my venus and mars.   Her Mars, my MC.   And that is just conjunctions.   Not to mention my moon in her 5th house, my venus in her 7th.

But plenty of hard aspects as well.

I guess you will have to let me know.

If anyone has anything to say about the charts (good or bad), please feel free to post a comment or write to me.  I have studied astrology for a few years, but I am no expert.

I am also querying whether I feel like she is the one for me, because my sun is conjunct her vertex?   Would that explain why I feel like this?

Our Composite Chart

I have also attached our composite chart which is the one on the left.  This is both of our charts merged together.

If anyone is an expert, then please feel free to point out the good and bad points as I am still learning about astrology.  Is it bad that our composite charts Venus and Neptune give the illusion of it being something it is not?

I have our first meeting charts as well, but I may post them in a separate blog.

Sometimes this is quite hard for me.  There are days when I question the decisions and rational of this ‘relationship’.  Am I ever content?  Will I ever be?  Sometimes it is easy to get lost and fall back on things, old thoughts and ideals, rather than stick with an untested method.  Would we have these problems if we were together.   As much as I love how she makes me feel, I still run the logical by myself every now and again.  As this is an ongoing story, I am still unsure of its direction and outcome.  The confidence that I had in writing this blog nearly a year ago, is not so strong and has been battered by the elements on a daily basis.

I could be writing this story for a complete crock of shit, and it could all just end up a failed romance.  Half a story.  A book without an ending.

That would suck.

And she’s off………….again!

So Kelli was beginning to get her life on track, and I guess I just expected ‘us’ to smoothly escalate into a better state of things.

It went a few weeks before I had anything from her.  I had a facebook message from her saying “I miss you”.   This was a few weeks after she had gone.

Although glad that she was alive and well, I would have thought that she might have given me some contact details,  maybe a phone number, and address?

After the ‘I miss you’, I did not hear from her for a bit.

I knew that the new position was a promotion.  It meant a lot more hours, so I knew that she would not be around as much.

But AGAIN, she had all the cards.  I just had to wait.  It’s just a bit annoying really.  Its like playing a game of tennis.  She hits the ball to me, I hit it straight back.  And I wait for her to hit it back………..but its more like I have to wait for her to be interested in playing again.  She went shopping halfway through the game.

Also to add salt to the latest wound, I had an email from Robin, Kelli’s cousin.  I had mailed her and got a bit of a delayed a reply.   She said that she that Kelli and her did not speak to each other any more.  But that Kelli had gone to Oklahoma City with Kyle.

Ah.   I read it again, and went funny inside.  I think I was a bit numb.

I did not want to go through another year of what I had just been through.  It was not fair.  Bollocks to it.   Kelli had not been online before regularly like the end of 2008.

It hurt to think about it.

My mind now started to race again.  And without Kelli around to clarify things, those thoughts were left uncontrolled and unattended.  Like children running loose in a china shop.

Valentines Day

It was a weird day to start.  I got up and checked my email…..nothing from Kelli.  Allowing for time zones, she would probably not even write anything till at least 5am my time.  But nothing.

Day started out like any other.  Pottering around the house, doing this and that.  I was on MSN that morning and I had been talking to a girl that I was seeing a few years ago.  The conversation was just general catching up type stuff. Quickly it got flirtatious, and before I knew it, she was coming over to mine on Valentines Day to cook me dinner.

Ah. Shit.

I was a little apprehensive.   My mind was racing and I was thinking a million things an hour.  I had not seen this girl in 2 years.  We fancied each other back then, but I had told her in the past that I wanted to pursue things with Kelli, despite not meeting Kelli at that time, and we agreed to knock it on the head.  Kelli was all I could think about.  And I would have rather spent the nights on my own, without distractions, than had a woman over, but be thinking about the online woman the whole time the other one was in my room.

More importantly, was I going to be with another woman when I was in love with Kelli?  My mind was racing, find ways to justify it all.  But my heart was sad.  Sad?

The distance thing hurt. It wouldn’t be bad if there is conversations, web cams sessions, talking, flirting, pictures.  What I had was short sentences.   This relationship was like hunger.   I was starving for food, and Kelli was giving me crumbs.  And I was so dependant on those crumbs, I was grateful, and blessed for even getting that.

But I knew that it was not right.  This is not how I wanted things to be.  This is not what a relationship is.

The girl came over and the evening was going well.  There was some flirting going on like in conversation and the dinner she cooked was lovely.   We sat down and put on some films.

Now although I was not really pushing it, there was then poking and teasing with the feet and it was getting suggestive.    The flirt in me was fired up and ready to play,  My body was loving it, but my heart was screaming at me to behave.  I got up to check my email.  I had a message from Kelli saying:

Happy Valentines Day!!

I have been looking forward to telling you what you mean to me today and of all the things that I have been planning to tell you… all I can say is your the only person that makes me feel whole. You are the only man that makes me happy and makes me feel complete.

I will never give that up. We will be together soon

I love you with all my heart.

Kelli

It was like a sign.

I put a brake on the flirting right there and then.  I was so relieved and grateful.  My body wanted affection and attention, but my heart did not.   The girl and I slept together, as in we shared a bed, but nothing happened.  I think she was a little shocked at first, but I explained everything in the morning, even the point of the email the night before and said that I didn’t think it was something I wanted to do.

For the most part I was pleased with myself, but I was still lonely.   Weeks pass.  I get a few sentences of updates.   Kelli tells me she is going to purchase a phone, but I never hear from her…

The end?

Another day like any other. I am working at the computer, and Kelli popped up on MSN.  It was her yahoo messenger, but you can now talk between msn and yahoo.   So I wrote and said Hi.  Nothing.  I wrote a few sentences, and got nothing.  She was online for just over an hour and I didn’t get one reply.  Had someone hacked into her account?

For the next part, I am just going to cut and paste the entire conversations, because it is easier to follow.  If anyone thinks I am in the wrong, please feel free to tell me.  Here goes;

Hey

So.

It would seem that this 13th post, is not so lucky after all.

Its been a few weeks since I have had any form of contact with her.  I have cried a lot.

As it stands at the moment, I really don’t know what to do any more.  If anyone can suggest what I can do, then feel free to contact me.

I’ll be honest and say that I feel like a royal penis for the fact that I started writing this story, blindly believing that it was all magically going to end in roses, when its clear from the entire story, that I had my work cut out for me right from the start.  Besides the first 4 months, and my 12 day trip, the whole thing has been so much hard work, because I have been in the ‘relationship’ for 2 of us.

I must have been fucking stupid to believe anything.

Well it all got off to a flying start, but was more like a continuation of what had already been happening since October 2008.  With Kelli now having almost daily access at work to a computer,  I could at least leave her messages and she would get them in a day or 2. There was no more passing on of messages, no more not knowing where she was.  It seems a bit more coherent.  It had generally been good since her return in October.  Both of our Christmases had been somewhat eventful with families.

I spoke to Kelli, who had a list of New Years resolutions, and apparently, I was going to be ECSTATIC with her choices.   But of course, she wasn’t going to share any with me.  I was guessing that one of them would be to see me.  Again, I had a lot of faith riding on it.  If it was not on there, then I guess I would have to think about whether Kelli and I had a future, whether I wanted to be with her or not.  So we joked about that.

Kelli told me she wanted me to visit her dad at some point, who lived in Powhaten, Virginia.  This was the first that she had ever really mentioned meeting anyone that lived in her family, but she insisted about this one.  Seeing as when I was in Oklahoma, we drove right past her mothers house and she did not bat an eyelid.  Kelli and her mum do not see eye to eye on a regular basis anyway, so that was understandable, and her brother was in jail or prison.  But to meet her dad was obviously something important for her.  Even though no plans were actually formalised, it was discussed and agreed.

She had also mentioned getting married again, but I think it was under the breath.  She mentioned in 2010.  This crossed with the fact that she said that her dad is old fashioned and that I would have to ask him for her hand in marriage.  Oh, so we’re still on for marriage then?  Because I didn’t mention it?  She did.

We both had our own lives to get on with and that was fine, but I did like the fact that there was plans.  NO dates, or schedules, but there was talk of them formalising.  And I like this.  A lot.

It seemed weird.  Time heals most things and actions speak louder than words, but this like a complete different from the woman that I had fallen out with 6 -7 months ago.  Points of note:

• She had been at the same job since July, and they had a computer that she could get to.
• She was looking at either a promotion or getting another job completely.
• She was still paying off her charges, interest and court fines, despite earning a measly $14000pa.
• She was talking about coming to see me (I know she has always been talking about it), but she was being very secretive about it all, like she was planning something.  It was easier to get blood from a stone, than get info from her.
• Still on track with the marriage talk.

I guess January was going to be a big month for us.  I also was looking at upping the stakes in my life also.

I, unfortunately, was looking likely to be released by my “awesome” job at the end of January.  The company no longer had the work for me.  They were only a company of 2. I had been been working part-time since June, at probably the only job I have enjoyed in my life.  But even though I had done a lot with my free time when not at work, it was also more challenging to live of a part-time wage  From September, my hours had been cut even more.  I could only just make my bills, but I could not afford to keep my car any more, so off it went.  I had money for food and rent, and that was about it.

I was needing a full time position.  I wanted to fund a little enterprise of mine off the ground.  Plus I wanted to clear all my debts as well.  I wanted to have money for if and when Kelli got here, so we could do things together.

Kelli and I had discussed the coming 2009 summer also.  Friends of mine in San Diego, had invited me to go to their wedding out there.  The date was sandwiched between mine and Kelli’s birthday.  And my Birthday is 4 days after Independence Day.  So we were possibly planning a big trip, maybe 3 weeks.  Could we pop in and squeeze a trip to Pawhaten, Virginia?  So I would need a full time position for …..I guess moving ahead with my life. I didn’t need a job to buy things, but to do things.

• I wanted to clear my debts.
• I wanted money for when Kelli got here.
• I wanted money that would help get my business ideas off the ground.
• I wanted money for our supposed trip to the states in the summer.

Everything all being up in the air, but she was planning things, and I was planning things.  It was nice.  We were planning a future.

Shortly afterwards, during a phone call, Kelli told me she had been offered an assistant managers position in Oklahoma City.  She was really excited, but equally as nervous.  More money, but only because it was more hours, but she had no bills or rent.  Just food.  It would mean having to relocate.  I was really excited for her.  It seemed it was all paying off for her.  But she said that she would need to think about it all.   A few days later in a phone call, she said that she didn’t think she was going to take it.   She was concerned about working the hours of nearly 2 full time positions, and she did want some quality of life.  Seeing as I had pretty much had a cushy year, I could completely empathise…

She went quiet on the contact for a bit.  I then got a facebook message from her saying that she had decided to take the position.

“I decided… that I am going to take the job offer!

I decided and i am excited. I will send you all the details when I get there.

what city, what hotel, what phone number, what address, etc…

I love you and I will let you know.

xoxo”

Were things actually moving ahead?  After all this time?  I was calm, but secretly excited inside.

Was I going to see her again?