Wow.
I have not written on here in a long time. I had to re-read the last few entries to see where I was with things.
So a few people have asked me about Kelli. Occassionally, questions about her make themselves known, especially when I have not seen someone for a long time, and the last time I DID see them, all I talked about was her.
Not that anything is supposed to be ‘happening’ or ‘going anywhere’, but I guess that is pretty much the current summary of it all.
Okay, so I have had a few people ask me on this site, on email, and in person, why I could just not go over to America to be with Kelli to see if it would work.
As for as I am aware, I am only entitled to a holiday visa, which entitles me to a 3 month stay in the USA. The reasons that I cannot do this are easy.
Now I am not saying that I wouldnt give those things up, just that a little planning might be necessary first. I couldn’t just go over there and not come back, for example.
I am not too sure how knowledgable people are when it comes to requirements for moving to the USA, so I thought I would detail everything. There are only a certain number of ways that a foriegner is allowed to reside in the USA.
These are all my options that I am aware of.
With all the stuff that has happened and felt over the past 3 and a bit years, it is easy to forget the little things.
Especially when I have been caught up in my emotions, and trying to give a little structure to something I can barely understand.
But I was just looking through my old Myspace account (anyone remember that drop in the ocean Myspace?) and looking through my myspace emails as I was looking for an address.
Myspace…….ha, back in the day!!
So, I had a lot of time to think about everything. I was being logical and thoughtful. I was calm. I had an awesome holiday. I was not sad. A little disappointed. I was not angry or in a heighten state, but I was a lot clearer about where my head was.
The Greatest Love Story Ever Told? Well, certainly MY greatest love story was over. I hated it and I knew it. It was time to end it.
It was over.
Well……….this thing is sure dragging itself out right?
My mind flits on a daily basis about how I have given up/am giving up faith on her, and then seeing how she has treated me over the past year and a half, well the whole 3 years in fact.
When Kelli is around and in my life, even just in contact, like on the phone, she gives me a lot more focus, drive and reason for doing even the most mundane tasks. Without her, I just feel a bit lost. Like why am I doing anything at all. I know I am doing it all for me, but beyond that……what are my goals?
In my heart, when I was in the states, and I was with her, it felt like…………..it felt perfect. Like I had found the glove for my hand, the shoe for my foot. Everything all made sense at that point. I knew I was to be with her.
Am I still kidding myself? I mean really?
*seriously, leave comments………….I am open to opinions, answers and objections.*
I am slightly behind with updating this. I write this now in October, but I am writing about events 6 or 7 months ago, and a lot has happened since then (or not depending on how you look at it). Anyway, back to the story.
I really find myself lost at the moment. I don’t know how much strength I have. This whole thing with Kelli has been a huge learning experience for me. I don’t know if I have it in me to carry on. I feel like I am walking out to sea against the waves.
But its not life that is the waves trying to knock me off my feet. It’s Kelli.
Since the last message in March, she made it clear that she did not want to “do this” any more, whatever “THIS” was. Despite telling me she had “decided” to be with me back in October, and that was her taking 6 weeks out to think about it all back then.
Despite not being there, every time she disappears, for whatever reason, its like slapping me in the face. I can understand a week, a few weeks, but nearly 2 months at a time. And its happened repeatedly since we first met on-line nearly 3 years ago. So for 3 years, she has just kept slapped me in the face.
I’m out of answers. Out of suggestions. Out of options.
And now it appears, out of her life. Again.
I guess it relates to ‘The Greatest Love Story Ever Told‘ .
Mine and Kelli's Birthchart
As a little extra for those reading this, this is the synastry between mine and Kelli’s birthcharts. I thought I would post them, so I can open them up for interpretation for people to look at, but also for anyone to write anything that they feel will help me (and maybe US) to understand what is happening between Kelli and I.
Lots of good aspects in there. My venus, her mars. Her venus, my sun. My mercury, her sun. My saturn, her jupiter. Her DC between my venus and mars. Her Mars, my MC. And that is just conjunctions. Not to mention my moon in her 5th house, my venus in her 7th.
But plenty of hard aspects as well.
I guess you will have to let me know.
If anyone has anything to say about the charts (good or bad), please feel free to post a comment or write to me. I have studied astrology for a few years, but I am no expert.
I am also querying whether I feel like she is the one for me, because my sun is conjunct her vertex? Would that explain why I feel like this?
Our Composite Chart
I have also attached our composite chart which is the one on the left. This is both of our charts merged together.
If anyone is an expert, then please feel free to point out the good and bad points as I am still learning about astrology. Is it bad that our composite charts Venus and Neptune give the illusion of it being something it is not?
I have our first meeting charts as well, but I may post them in a separate blog.
Part 13…..is it unlucky? Is it lucky? Is anyone superstitious any more?
Sometimes this is quite hard for me. There are days when I question the decisions and rational of this ‘relationship’. Am I ever content? Will I ever be? Sometimes it is easy to get lost and fall back on things, old thoughts and ideals, rather than stick with an untested method. Would we have these problems if we were together. As much as I love how she makes me feel, I still run the logical by myself every now and again. As this is an ongoing story, I am still unsure of its direction and outcome. The confidence that I had in writing this blog nearly a year ago, is not so strong and has been battered by the elements on a daily basis.
I could be writing this story for a complete crock of shit, and it could all just end up a failed romance. Half a story. A book without an ending.
That would suck.
Well it all got off to a flying start, but was more like a continuation of what had already been happening since October 2008. With Kelli now having almost daily access at work to a computer, I could at least leave her messages and she would get them in a day or 2. There was no more passing on of messages, no more not knowing where she was. It seems a bit more coherent. It had generally been good since her return in October. Both of our Christmases had been somewhat eventful with families.
But I suspect, it was something that I had to go through, as well as Kelli. I love that theories like that exist and are plausible.
But when you are in it at the time. It seems really shit.
A time to reflect me thinks……. (like this blog ISN’T enough)