So, I had a lot of time to think about everything. I was being logical and thoughtful. I was calm. I had an awesome holiday. I was not sad. A little disappointed. I was not angry or in a heighten state, but I was a lot clearer about where my head was.
The Greatest Love Story Ever Told? Well, certainly MY greatest love story was over. I hated it and I knew it. It was time to end it.
It was over.
So I told Kelli in an email. I explained that I couldnt not make anything any easier for her, but I was still hard up, and I wished her well and I hope that she finds what she is looking for, but it was clear that it was not me.
I got a reply back a few days later explaining why she did not meet me, but I bit my lip. It was a large response, but I was disappointed I think. I knew the trip would not have been like the Oklahoma extravaganza, but it would have been nice to at least meet and see each other. Even for a few hours. Even as friends. But I read it, and then went out with friends.
I think even though I was calm, part of me was quite angry. And I had no way of releasing that anger and hurt and disappointment.
I know about 6 other friends that had dated american women, and not one of them had a scenario like this. So why was mine different? Why was I having all this grief and why were all their relationships working out. Because it was not a 2 way effort. I was doing all the calling, all the emailling, all the planning………..and getting nothing back. The truth of the matter was, I was more in love with the memory of Kelli and being with her, than the current reality. And it had not been a steady relationship, since she has left Michigan the first time.
There needs to be fuel to constantly feed the fires of love, and there was none. That night, I sat opposite some of best friends that I have know a long time, people that had seen me go through all of this on a day to day basis, and drank and listened to them voice their opinions about Kelli. For several hours. And I got very drunk. After 2 yrs of biting their tongues, they all told me what I already knew, but did not want to accept.
And when I got home, I miraculously typed the biggest email I have every written her. Seeing how drunk I was, that was a miracle. Looking back on it, I am surprised the grammer was so well, but I was drunk and it all came pouring out. I wanted her to know how I felt, without me being polite about it all. I typed and typed. And then hit send. And went to bed.
What have I done?
The next day, nursing a sore head, at some point, I got on to my email. In in my sent box, I had sent Kelli a huge email. With a glass of water, I re-read everything, and I was split. I had said quite a lot, and I think I had been quite hurtful. Now I am not one of these eye for an eye people, but I had not held back. It was a angry email, and even though I was dissapointed with what had happened since Kelli and I had last seen each other, it was not an accurate portrayal of how I felt. Not only in this instance, but in life, when I am worked up, I tend to not think thing through. I’ll shout before I think of what I am saying, and then I regret it when i have had time to reflect. Especially when hurt and angry. That’ll be my moon in Aries.
Part of me regretted saying it, because it was not a true reflection of where my head was, but I was also glad that I had let her know what the whole thing had done to me. It felt better to have let her know, but I had gone about it the wrong way
But she sent me an email after a few days saying;
” That was the most hateful, hurtful letter I have ever recieved.
Im sorry.
and,
Good-bye
I dont want to hurt you. I never wanted to hurt you.
I will always love you, but I think you said everything you could have.
This will be the last email I send you.
Always
Kelli ”
What had I done.
So……I went for a walk, and I thought about what I had wanted to say for a long time, but I had always watched my tongue. I thought about it for a few days.
Then I re-worded my epic email to be more of a true reflection of what I thought and felt. And I sent that instead.
I got an email back from Kelli about a week later.
Seeing as her blog is not up, and maybe never will be, I have posted her response here. I know that she does not like everyone knowing everything, but I think reading this, it make make more sense to everyone that has been following this story.
Terry
I know that I told you that I would not write back to you but after reading this last letter from you, how could I not? I even told myself that if you wrote to me that I would not even open the letter, I would just delete it. I couldn’t bring myself to do it. I didn’t read it until just today. I knew it was there for a couple of days, but I was still very much hurt from the other very large email that you sent to me that was completely horrible.
I don’t know how to explain what has been going on with me. I don’t think I can even produce the words to tell you how I feel about anything actually. But while I write you this letter I am hoping that this will shine a little light for you, maybe some things will come out.
I am not willing to discuss how I felt with the last letter. I was hurt, upset, angry, and I also felt bad because some of what you wrote was true. But most of all I was truly hurt on HOW you talked to me and HOW you displayed the way you felt about everything. I understand that you were also hurt and that you were also angry. Why did you have to say some of the things that you said to me? It was just wrong, and you were mean and hateful.
That’s the end of that. I’m not talking about it.
Like you said, the response that I received from you was not at all what I was expecting. I’m not sure of what I was thinking I would get, but that was not it. It definitely made me consider talking to you at all, ever again. I’m responding now to this letter because of ONLY a few reasons.
- I love you.
- It felt wrong not to.
- I can’t keep from you, no matter what you say to me.
I only said that everything had been said between us because I didn’t think it was humanly possible for you to say anything more to me after that letter. You can not tell me that letter was not a “true reflection” of where your head was at. Terry, I may be “fucked in the head” as you called me, but I am not stupid! You said what you felt and what you thought was true, as you knew it at that moment, and just because you feel now that it may have been a bit harsh, does not make it less true for you, or me. The words still sting and still hurt. I do understand that you may have been in an emotional state because of listening to a lot of things that your friends have been saying to you.
Being angry with me and wanting to express to me how you feel is one thing, but how you did it was completely uncalled for! Knowing, that I also deserved a lot of the things that you said to me because what you have had to deal with because of me is part reason that I am also writing back to you, as I know I put this all on my own shoulders. To be honest, I deserve every hateful, horrible word you can say to me.
You gave me such a picture of what you thought of me that I actually thought I could hate you. Trying to hate you was not an option. I can’t make myself even think bad of you. I realized how you really felt about the situation.
As I know that you love me, as I know that you would love for something to work so that we can become us, at this moment in time, I don’t think that I want the same. I have seen a side of you that I am not happy about and there is a very large part of me that I need to get “fixed”, before I can be with anyone.
As you put it you wanted me to “take on-bored, going forward with my life” the things that you had said to me. I did, and I am. Just maybe not the way you would have wanted me to. I have decided that doing the things that I need to do and having you wait on me is not fair. As I have said a million times over again! Taking some time to figure myself out and try to be who I really am inside is something that I want. Something that I am sorry you can’t be apart of.
I am not trying to be mean. I am trying to keep out of my head the other letter and how it made me feel. I am trying to also let you know how I feel and what is going on in my head, without sounding bitter and angry about how you had made me feel… so I am going to continue to tell you that I am sorry through out this whole email.
You are very much correct about my trying to keep to myself. I have not felt like talking or being around anyone. I’ve wanted to discover what it is that I want out of life and who I am and where I want to be at. As much as I love you and as much as I want to be with you, I also need to know who I am, and somewhere along the line I have lost sight of myself. I’m not good with words and I am not good at explaining how I feel. I am sorry if that is hard for you to accept and understand. I have given you plenty of opportunities to back out and to walk away from me.
I have gone over the reasons of moving to Oklahoma with you many a times and I also told you that the reason that I went there did not work out. Then I was left with the crap end of the deal. It was not that I didn’t want to be with you, it was that I was trying to get things sorted for myself. I was working very hard. I was trying to make things happen for myself. Being so unstable had taken a hard knock on my mental stability and I am very depressed because of it.
Confusing you seems to be what I am good at. Who would have know I was so proficient in confusion. When we were talking in October to January I was trying to be who I was, I was trying to be who you needed me to be, I was trying to force my old self in again. I think when I was doing that it made me feel worse because on one hand I didn’t want to tell you that I was not ready and on the other I was telling you that I was. I want you. I wanted you. It’s always been my goal. But I was not ready. I’m still not ready.
The idea of telling you I am not ready comes with the idea of you telling me good bye. Losing you is something I don’t want either. But there is not a choice. I have to be honest with you. And the out come is either I have you or I don’t.
I was scared and excited about your being in DC. I was also wondering if I was ready or not to see you with all the things going on with my emotions and all the thoughts running through. I sent you an email saying that I didn’t want to come to DC because I have changed so much in the last year; I was terrified that you may not find me attractive any more. As ridiculous as you may think that sounds, it is how I felt.
I was in Richmond, VA when you got back to DC from San Diego. I regret not facing my fears, of what you may have or may not have thought about me. I should have let you make that decision for your self rather than not letting you have a choice. It was not fair to you or to me for that matter. I made a bad decision by doing that.
Taking a the job was something that I needed to do. Starting when they asked me to start was something that separated me from the other people that were applying because they couldn’t start right away. I had a leg up and I was not going to let that chance get away. Considering how hard it is to find a job, saying not yet was not an option.
I am really sorry that I hurt you, again. I understand that you were angry and I understand that you had a lot to say to me. I sent you the photo because I thought you would like to have it. I sent it because I thought through everything you deserved to be able to see me even if it were only through a photo on the computer. I guess it was an excuse to not see you. I was so scared. I don’t even really know why.
MY BEHAVIOUR TOWARDS YOU
The behavior I have displayed towards you has been horrible to say the least. I have not nor was I seeing anyone behind your back. I do know that it would be easy for me to say that yes I was I know that saying yes I was would also make better sense to you that just saying I just was un-functional within myself to be with anyone. As much I would have liked to be with some one that I could hold, kiss, talk, and just have general companionship with —- I was not ready for that. I can not be with some one if I am not happy with myself!! Right now I don’t know myself, how could anyone else.
Understandably, it would be incredibly easy for me to say “Terry, I don’t want to be with you because your in another country and I want a relationship now not in 6months from now”. That’s not how I feel and that’s not want I want. You are something special, you are amazing! You give my heart a skip when I hear your voice or when you write a poem. You send butterflies to my stomach when you glanced in my direction. Every time I heard you tell me that you loved me, I got goose bumps and I glowed. You were more than special to me. You were what made me want to try to find myself again.
When I went back to Oklahoma, I made myself think it was for us. But it was for me. I was being selfish and I wanted to do it my way, not how everyone thought I should be doing it. I knew I made a mistake the minute I got there and it was too late to take it back. I was then stuck. So I did the best I could with the decision that I made.
I had put myself in a shitty spot with making the wrong decisions and I didn’t want to hear an I told you so. I wanted to fix my problem and be hard headed and complicated and stupid. I sent you crappy little emails because I wanted you to know you were on my mind, that I was thinking of you, but I didn’t want you to know how horrible I was doing or how bad I felt.
When I said that I was going to get a phone, but then never did, I would think to myself, that you were going to be angry, that I knew I would have to explain that my money was all tied up with bills. I wanted to talk to you and tell you that my love was strong and that we would come through this all in the end on the top! I just always felt like the end was so far away, like it would never get here.
There was NEVER a moment that I thought writing you an email was difficult. What was difficult for me was not telling you the whole truth about how horrible things were turning out. Its not that I wanted to be “alone” or “without” you, it was about my situation not being fair to you. Where you see me saying that not fair, I really saw it the other way around.
You were always wonderful, you were always there, and you were always in my heart and in my thoughts.
The myspace and the facebook thing, it had nothing to do with you, i didnt want them, I have no idea that robin had got on my facebook account, I had deleted it, and next thing I knew you were telling me that I was moved and I was with a boyfriend. I DONT HAVE A BOYFRIEND! All I had was you, and thats complicated as it is.
I am sorry about the letter that kyle had written to me, I am sorry that I had kept it. I have always been a bit of a pack rat, and I always keep letters. I have letters from both friends and old boyfriends from 15yrs ago. I was not keeping it because I felt the same as kyle did for me. I was keeping it because I felt horrible for the way that he felt, I felt that by throwing it away I was further stepping on his heart. As, I am not a mean or hatful person, it felt wrong to do that.
I am sorry for putting it in my pocket, and for keeping it.
Living with kyle at the time that I was, was convience, we both needed the extra help. I was not sleeping with him or anyone else for that matter. He did NOT have my love. YOU DID!!
I told Gina that I loved kyle, but I was IN LOVE with you! I still love Chris to a certain degree. You can hold that against me as well if you like.
YOUR ATTITUDE TOWARDS ME.
There were a few emails that were very hurtful, and just mean. But I knew I deserved every word that you had to say to me.You were unhappy with me and you had every right to express how you felt about every situation that came up.
I loved you for everything. The Trip. The Love. The Smiles. The understanding. The naked pictures… twice. =) The music I felt in my heart was about you, it was because of you, you did that to me! You made me feel amazing. YOU were wonderful.
I still see you as my other half, and I always will. There is not another person on this planet that could ever make me feel the way you made me feel. Even if we dont end up together, I love you.
90% of the time, I have found the truth in what you tell me.. and again… your right, I have to find what I am looking for if I am ever going to be happy, I need to do a lot of soul searching!
ME
Im working on the meditation… its hard, my mind wonders. I like the way I feel when I have a good meditation session. I sit (in a closet) with a candle (a smelly one–good smell though) and I sit and I consentrate and I try my best to focus. I stopped doing yoga for a bit, but I started it up again about a week ago, and I am feeling more energized. I want to know who I am again. I am trying very hard to do that. I want to keep you posted with how I am doing and what I come to find about myself. I want your friendship right now, and if when I am ready, and if your still around and you want to “START OVER” with me. I would love for that to happen.
US?
I can only hope that one day I pull my head out of my ass and see what I really want and need in this life, that I can find a way back to you again. We are great together. Your a wonderful and caring man. You deserve everything that someone can give you, I would love to be that person someday.
Hopefully it will be just as we wanted from the start if we ever get to that point again.
I would love to tell you that I want to be with you .. but can we just wait… but that is not fair for you or for anyother person…. how is that fair for you???
but
Going Forwards seems… not right. Im sorry if this is a little confusing, Im confused to. I am trying to explain, its just hard.
I may send you a number to call me on, but Im not sure that I really want to talk to you yet. I am still very hurt over the things that you said in the letter before. Im not angry anymore, just hurt. Im not ready to talk yet.
You say that your leaving the door open for me, I hope to atlease find the courage to come to it and knock and I pray that you will open it for me.
Love,
Kelli
Once the calm has settled…
And so I write this, and things are up to date. 4 months since kelli’s above email in green.
Kelli never sent me her number. Maybe she will, maybe she wont.
We still dont web cam. Maybe we will, maybe we wont.
Its funny in a way, but since the summer, I no longer feel angry or upset.
Everyone talks to me about her in a past tense, and I guess that saddens me a bit.
About me personally, I am not angry anymore and I realise that I cannot control her or the situation. I am not a controlling person. I think I just wanted to help the situation and take the initiative. Infact, since writing that email to Kelli in July, I realise I am not really bothered about it anymore. I wrote Kelli an email on the 2 yrs anniversary of us meeting each other.
This may or may not be the end of this story, but I have actually caught up with the story, so as I type this today, this is the best of what I know. So I guess its the end in the fact that from this point forward in the story, I dont actually know what is going to happen.
If anything at all.
To all reading this, I thank Kelli for coming into my life, because before meeting her I did not know what love was. And if it does not work out, I am at least greatful for her showing me that.