2008: What a fucking shit year

But I suspect, it was something that I had to go through, as well as Kelli.  I love that theories like that exist and are plausible.

But when you are in it at the time.  It seems really shit.

A time to reflect me thinks……. (like this blog ISN’T enough)

I decided to add a few bits.  Most of this story as all been about Kelli, what was happening in her life, but not much mention of what was going on with me.  In time, I may link to other articles that fill in other parts of my life, but for now, it goes here.

My own path

I guess something else I was aware of was who I was now, where I was going in life and what I had to offer.  It had been no secret that I was fed up with one area of my life.  It was my career.  I sometimes wish I had been born one of these people that just saw a job as “whatever, its just a job”.  But I was not.  I was born as someone that wanted more.  Dammit!!

When I met Kelli, I was studying Web Design.  I did some temp work after that, but I was holding out for a entry level position in web design, and I didn’t want to settle on anything.  I landed a job in London, an entry level position.  I got the job through my friend, whose boyfriend who worked there.  Apparently they could not fill the role, due to its low pay.  It was poorly paid, but it was a foot in the door.  This was around the time Kelli had just started seeing Kyle and I was seeing someone over here.

Unfortunately, I had never been fulfilled in any of my jobs in my 10 years since leaving University, and I have done it all.  So I was determined to do something about it.  I guess even though I knew my love for Kelli was ready, my life wasn’t.

Let’s just say for example, that Kelli lived here with me, and her being American was not a visa issue (but every other country is welcome – don’t get me started on THAT one), I would still have my other issues to deal with.  Being with Kelli would probably DISTRACT me from focusing on these issues and addressing them.

I had debts to clear, and career to fix.  It was important that when I met WHOEVER I was supposed to be with, that I went to them with a clean slate, with everything in my life in full and working order.  That I was happy with everything, otherwise I couldn’t be 100% devoted, as part of me would have my mind elsewhere.  I guess I likened to it to what Kelli had said about needing to sort things out before fully being with someone.  If that makes sense.

About 3 weeks after Kelli had disappeared in January, the company in London did not renew my contract, but I was not happy there either, so I was not too upset.  I applied for other positions in a panic, but realised I wanted to do something for me.  I didn’t just want a pay cheque, I wanted to enjoy my job.  I would argue with my mother that is was pretty much impossible to get a job that paid enough to support me, but give me enough time to sort myself.

I asked God in January to help of me out, as I was not having too much luck.  I had also just read Brian “Head” Welch’s “Save Me from Myself”, which was quite enlightening really.  He was miserable with all his millions and a dream job as guitarist in a superstar band called Korn.  And he had asked for help, and was now feeling a lot better about his life.  If it could work for him, then it could work for me.  So I asked God to take care of all the details.  To make me happy, because I had tried everything else, LITERALLY. (blog coming up about all my shit jobs)

I had a temp job for a few months delivering pizza’s, and then out of the blue, I was STOPPED IN THE STREET, by a friend of mine who asked me to come for an interview tomorrow.  What the hell?  That NEVER happens.  Seriously, does that happen to ANYONE?

And I landed the job.  The perfect job.  Paid enough to support me, but gave me enough free time in the week to sort all my stuff out.  The people there were brilliant.  It was walking distance, and I could still squeeze in the gym and some home cooking.

Hand picked by God himself.  Thanks mate.  I owe you!!

And with all that spare time? I had been making small baby steps into a direction I was and am hoping would lead on to bigger, better and more fulfilling things and area’s of my life.  It is not always easy.  I get easily distracted, lose concentration, go off on tangents, but I can look back over months and see what has been achieve.  I have achieved more in the last 4 months than I have in the past 10 years.  I may link to this story…..watch this space on this one.

My own journey

This year had been quite interesting for me as well, besides the above.  Mainly in the women area.

Since I had seen Kelli in November, I had not been with another woman.  Nothing untoward about that at all.  Except I think there is.

Since coming back from America, I have been attracting women left right and centre.  Seeing as I spent pretty much my entire 20′s and for that matter life, single, I would say its a shock.  I did not have a “history” of women.  I was definitely not a player.  I had just had a series of short relationships of a few months and several drunken romantic encounters.

When I came back from the states, within a week, a girl I had, and I guess still did find attractive, asked me to kiss her in the bar that I worked in.  I turned her down, much to the surprise and probable disgust of the witnessing customers.  Why?  I could look at the positives and negatives.  This was a woman that I had found attractive for many years, and I often flirted with.  She was willing and able, and I know, it was just a kiss.  But cheating is still cheating.  The worst thing was that I would still have all that guilt if I had done anything.  I was also reading a lot into the butterfly and hurricane theory of things.  I didn’t want a kiss over here, lead to Kelli meeting someone else over there.  If we were tied in and twin flames, I didn’t want a duplication of what happens here to happen over there.

That was the first of many incidents.

There were offers from first base to home runs.  All from women I either fancied, had fancied in the past, had flirted with, had dated in the past, slept with, had hooked up with in the past.  You name it.  Ms Temptation and her twin sisters were all out in force.

I had also exorcised a few old demons with regards to a woman I was infatuated with back in 2000.  We met out of the blue, and over a series of meetings, I managed to air a lot of my feelings about what had happened all those years ago.  Turns out meeting me, had been beneficial for her as well.  I felt a lot of internal cleansing going on.  Every cloud……

As I write this now, Kelli and I have had our 1 year date (since we were last together) come and go, and I have not been with anyone else, not even for a cup of sugar. People could read a lot into this, but I just had this gut instinct again, about what I did over here would have a ripple effect and affect her life over there.  Even if Kelli had been with anyone else, I wanted to be the one to be strong for her to say…..

“You can throw all this shit at me, but I am not giving up on you, or us.  The sooner you get your shit together, and I get MINE together, the sooner WE can be together.”

On Christmas Eve, a girl I had fancied for such a long time (years and years), asked me to go to bed with her.   She had been flirting heavily at a party a few weeks previously, but I put it down to her being completely drunk, but this time she was not so.  She plunked herself on my lap, cleavage on show (Terry bites lip) and asked me outright.  I told her that I could not do this.

I guess deep down, maybe at 31 years, I realised that the quick bunk up was not going to fill the Kelli shaped hole I had inside, but ending do ME more harm than good.  And my brain worked overtime any way.  I didn’t need to fuel that.  I didn’t the guilt.

As I can recall (and yeah I kept count), I think the opportunity to stray was there.

This time last year, I was worrying my little head off, whilst Kelli was heading back across the state.

It’s been a while.

I was debating whether to include this next bit or not.  But I figured why not.  It certainly echoed events that had happened throughout the year.  This was the reading that I got from the psychic bloke back in January.  So a year on (almost).

By this point also, everything that the psychic had said had come to pass, but I guess you can judge that for yourselves. I think the reading  just nailed it on the head.  I was going to do my point of view, but again it’s easier to write down everything that he said.

“I will start out by saying the connection with you today is very good .,…now regarding the connection with your friend…for some reason I can see or feel that we have an obstacle or difficulty in the path but the difficulty I am seeing here is not really between you and her….for it comes more from like an outside influence situation or circumstance, but regardless of the source it does have a negative effect at times….but also at the same time, I can clearly see that she does think about you often and even at times reflects on her emotions for you….by doing this I can see that she does gain clarity with wisdom….I even see high energy here and leadership abilities whereby she will overcome the obstacles and the connection between you and her will go forward.

Now I want to be very clear with you ….when I talk about obstacles and such I can tell you that regardless of the situation at hand or even outward appearances, you have touched her heart….and yes I know that this very love we are talking about right now is being somewhat tested and tempted by both inward and external situations. But I do see a true love here one that does break through…so let go of any racing thoughts or self doubts for the love is meant to be and will be.

I can see also that because of the facts and circumstances here that others will say for you to take a different direction with your heart….and at times logic may say the same to you…my message to that is short and clear….simply take such good advice and logic and throw it out of the window and follow your heart to her…and my friend your heart is true to you…see the real question here today is not if she has feelings for you and cares about you because she does…the real underlying question is simply when will she fully embrace all of the emotions within her heart for you…find her own inner peace and happiness..love herself and even overcome some fears she has with love…such as commitments and responsibilities of being in a serious relationship….I am saying she will do all of those things in a very positive way through the very essence of the love I am seeing here….see right now she is going through a process…. a process that moves her forward not away from you….in the interim, my friend be careful not to make assumptions or conclusions in a negative way because of her actions or lack of actions for things are not as they may appear and I do say that in a very good way.

I know it is just a question of when not if for you and her….what I am trying to say here is that the standstill the lack of direction in the relationship is only in appearance…like a small pause or a break in the action….as I do see good days ahead. Have faith in her and in the love….what makes things possible here and is so high energy is the friendship you two share within the love….that enables you and her to overcome life’s obstacles for the love to go forward into time…always embrace that with her it is the path to the heart and does catch on fire…in the short the run the best results with her will actually be achieved by being less serious with her….be playful and embrace that friendship by being less serious. I do see you and her becoming more serious.

I feel that the connection between you two is more than chance it is strong like a destiny a love that will not be denied….some would call this a soul mate connection. I go a step further and feel you two are twin flames….you are on the right path with your heart….you are twin flames.  See in life we can have more than one soul mate but we only have one twin flame…the person we are truly meant to be with.  You and her are blessed in that way as you have both found each other the person you are both meant to be with.

My friend you are so right for the gift of love is a gift from our Higher Power and great is the gift greater still is the Giver of that gift.  You keep the faith here and I will keep the love you ask about in my prayers and thoughts.  I see a very long term relationship one that will have stability and security one that can and will overcome life’s obstacles when they do appear.  Yes I see a great relationship for a very long term do not underestimate the awesome power of love and the gift of love where it came from.”

So yeah, that is basically it, in a nut shell.  I know I posted the bit about the soul mates in part 7?, but yeah.  That is pretty much it from what he said.  Even though I had this reading done in January ’08, knowing it in advance did not make it easier to deal with.  I probably forgot a lot of what he said at the time in my states of upset and rage.  And I think pretty much everything that he wrote happened with crystal clarity.  In fact, I think that is why I included it on here.

Niggling doubts

Sure there are days when occasionally I’ll remember something, and it causes me to doubt her actions and words.  Sometimes I’ll think about everything that has happened.  Sometimes I worry that it will have been a year from now, and we still would have not seen each other.  It scares me.

If I had the money, would it be right for me to get her, or to go out there and spend time with her again?  People have suggested it, but I wanted this to be something that Kelli wanted.  Even though she is just a girl from a small town in Oklahoma, she is just as able to get whatever she wants from life.  I guess I just hoped that she wanted me.

Is it going to be any better in 2009?